Joe: I think I’ve figured it out, but it’s hard to explain
Where to begin.
I think that it starts with youth group since 6th grade.
I viewed David Ing as a model leader. I saw that he cared for other people. And he would do it so willingly. And other people would love him back.
I wanted to be in that position to think that I would care for others, and others were care for me.
And that was my goal for a while. I placed a lot of my identity in that. I need to be loved. I just want to be loved.
And so I tried. With all of my strength. I tried to care for people as much as I could. I became real and vulnerable. I tried so hard for others to understand. And I got nothing in return. And that hurt. So I tried even harder. And harder. And nothing came back in return.
“Screw this community” I would think. Nobody cared nobody even bothered.
Eventually I gave up. I stayed real and vulnerable. But I stopped reaching out to try and get people to know things. People didn’t want to hear from me. And I guess it stemmed more from my pride and arrogance than from other people lack of effort. I guess it was my insensitive nature that caused this to happen more than anything. So in that, I realized my own weakness. That I rely so much on other’s…realness.
And I felt weak. And apart from this community, this place called home.
Who were these people that were supposed to be called family? They don’t know me. And I didn’t know them.
I felt like so much of who I was was based on this. I felt like I had to lead the charge essentially. Except nobody would follow behind. I would say LETS GO THIS WAY AND PROCEED IN THIS METHOD.
But nobody follows. So I’m out there by myself getting beat down. And hey, it’s okay. Because it’s me.
That probably doesn’t make sense.
And in that, I feel weak. I think about youth group.
Nobody bothers to talk to me. Or keep in touch with me.
It feels so one way. And I feel so discouraged.
It’s always me initiating: How are you doing _____ person?, there’s never anyone in my youth group that asks me how I’m doing. Maybe I’m stupid and not seeing it. Only when I stop talking and start moping do people start to care.
I’m weak. I’m lukewarm. I’m not passionate. I’m lacking. I’m driveless. I’m distracted. I’m broken. Can’t anyone see that when nobody cares, I wither away?
Elaine told me this disconnect is probably because I’m a guy. The majority of my youth group are girls. Shouldn’t let it divide us. But it does I guess.
But here I am at college. And things are totally different.
And then I think about Lily.
I think she’d much rather prefer someone else be there. I feel like some times she feels obligated to talk to me, just because I grew up with her or whatever. Wouldn’t it be so much better for her if I were Elaine, or if I were Jodi or Selena or some other close friend of hers?
I’m second hand Do you know how sad I would be if she weren’t at USC?
Pretty darn sad. How sad would she be if I weren’t at USC and instead I was in like some other random place?
Probably kind of sad. But if she does, why is there no sign of it? Then it gets me thinking, she probably would be pretty indifferent.
Lily, oh lily. Can’t you see I hurt? Can’t you see I wish I could be strong? Can’t you see that I want to be a strong Christian, one that can support others? But I can’t.
I was so happy that one time when I received a text from you that said “hey, we need to talk.” I was actually smiling.
And then I realized that Ryan had told you to text me. So I guess nothing is new huh? Do you care for me? I’m sure you do. But why don’t you ever show it? Like Ever. Like if you care, wouldn’t you want to talk to that person.
Obviously, I’m hurting. LOL. This is a skewed and tired post. Don’t take it all one sided as well. Lily has been a huge encouragement. It’s just that I hate the fact that in order to receive help, I must pretty much always go up to others. In order to talk to Lily, I have to text her. Everything, everyone feels one sided. Nothing new huh? Nothing new.
My prayer as of late has been:
God I need to be loved. I want to be loved. Show me that love. Be that love for me. To love, I need to be loved. Be that love. Because I know myself. And I’ll just try so hard and nothing in the end will happen.
My efforts are nothing.
Question of the day:
If you want to responde, you can leave a response. If not, leave a one word response of how you’re doing.
That would be interesting.
How are you doing?
