I don’t really want to put this up.
I’ve been doing poorly lately.
I’ve doubted Christianity, have I really heard from God? Or if I have, have I heard from him recently?
Is God really a personal God, who dwells with me and is compassionate, and is he really affecting me today?
The thing about faith is that a mustard seed faith is so easy to crush.
I can love others.
I can’t seem to love God.
At the very least, I think I’ve produced the judgment that I am lukewarm.
What does loving others even mean?
I mean, to me love seems like a bunch of ettiquette, of being nice to others, of consider others better than yourself.
I’ve done that. But love is supposed to be more, it’s supposed to be superhuman, beyond what man can accomplish and into the hands of God.
Maybe it’s also a bit frustrating to see people in my fellowship not achieving that love.
I assume it stems from a love towards God, can we really love others.
Then, if we do not love others, do we love God? I can do everything a Christian fellowship can do, without praying. Without God, it seems. It makes me think that any non-Christian can love to how much I do, and much more, if they wanted to.
Then I’m no different. Not just not different, I’m not a Christian. Christians feels like a high and lofty term right now. I know it’s for the weak, for the broken. I’m definitely weak and broken. But the thing is I don’t feel redeemed. I don’t feel like I’m in the hands of a capable God.
I’m still Christian. I think. Or at least, I’ll still call myself Christian. I’m redeemed. I just don’t have the confidence in it.
Does that mean I’m not redeemed?
Sigh. Don’t dump Bible on me please.
